A New Hope

I have a few more experiences to share about what happened after I lost my little girl, but I want to just jump ahead to the present for a little bit. I may go back at a later time and insert another post or two in between.

A few days ago I got another positive pregnancy test. I remembered saying that I was cautiously excited the last time this happened. Well, this time, there's a lot more caution and a lot less excitement.

With my first ultrasound at the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office, at 5 weeks and 4 days, they saw a gestational sac with a yolk sac and an embryo inside it. The sac was measuring on target for dates. But they also saw another collection of fluid outside that sac, which they didn't really know what it was. They said it could be another gestational sac. At this point, I was just talking to the ultrasound technologist who was not familiar with my history. I asked her if she thought it could be a hematoma. She said maybe. She wanted to know why I even asked that question and if I had had any bleeding or spotting since I got pregnant. I told her I hadn't bled or spotted at all, but I was just a little afraid because of my history.

I called my perinatologist with the concern about the hematoma, and he wanted to look at it himself. He had initially put me on enoxaparin (popularly known by its brand name, lovenox), which is a blood thinner. It is supposed to help prevent blood clots in the uterus. But if you already have a clot or are actively bleeding, you have to be taken off it. Otherwise, it can make the bleeding worse. Therefore, at this point, with the suspected hematoma, he told me to stop taking the enoxaparin.

About a week later, he saw me in his office. The great thing about going to his office, as opposed to the Reproductive Endocrinologist or the regular OB, is that when they do an ultrasound, the doctor does an ultrasound himself or herself after the technologist has taken the necessary measurements. So you can get a well formed diagnosis on the spot.

The doctor told me that what I had in there did not look anything like a hematoma. He said that he saw hematomas all the time, and this abnormality looked nothing like one. He thought that it was probably an endometrial abnormality, probably caused by the hormones I had taken for my IUI. He did not seem too concerned about it, and he put me back on the enoxaparin. And asked me to return for a follow up in a week.

With that visit, I was relieved but still somewhat concerned. I had never before heard about endometrial abnormalities like this. I was concerned about it mostly because I did not know what it meant to have such an aberration and what its possible consequences were. But still, I was mostly relieved.

I was completely awed by the miracle of the way the human fetus develops. I was only 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant that day. That actually means that the fetus had only been conceived 4 weeks and 3 days ago. At this very early stage, the ultrasound could detect a heartbeat. It's miraculous and awesome that a tiny being, which is only about as large as a grain or rice, is capable of developing a heart that beats. This was the first time I had actually seen a heartbeat being detected that early. The last time, it had been detected at 8 weeks and then some. (Mostly because that was my next ultrasound after the first one at 5 weeks or so, but still.)

I left the doctor's office with some relief in my mind and with a renewed sense of hope and a prayer in my heart. Dear God, please let me hold this baby in my arms before you hold me in yours.